Dr. Steven Tobias

During the Thursday session, of The Governor's Institute on Early Learning, Dr. Steven Tobias, from the Center for Child and Family Development in New Jersey, impressed upon us the importance of social skills and encouraged us to look at how what adults do influences these skills. He made us all laugh when he suggested we "Shoot the lead buffalo." No, he wasn’t suggesting we all get out our guns, but simply pointing out that if we can improve the behavior of the ringleader we can improve the behavior of the whole class.

A few of the many other ideas which I took back from his lecture were:
When a child has a tantrum or is upset about something, empathize with the child because nagging and reasoning won’t work.
Negative feedback often leads to more problems.
It is very important for parents to have fun with their children.
In today’s busy society, parents spend less than an hour actually being with their children.
Success is 80% emotional intelligence.
Children who are insecure have trouble with delay of gratification.
When teaching children a new skill, tell them why the skill is important and how it will help them get what they want.
Use natural and logical consequences to avoid battles. If the adult needs to enforce the consequence they should do it with empathy and not anger.

You can learn more by reading the book, Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: Raising a Responsible, Self-Disciplined and Socially Skilled Child, coauthored by Dr. Tobias, Maurice Elias, and Brian Friedlander. It was published in January 1999.