Were you ever in an argument with someone and they told you to calm down? Wasn't that helpful? Didn't you respond by thanking them for making-- Elias, Maurice J., Steven E. Tobias, and Brian S. Friedlander. Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, Three Rivers Press, c1999. Pp. 111-112.
you aware that you were getting out of control? No? We are not surprised.
Believe it or not, children do not appreciate being told to calm down, either.
The reason for this is that you cannot calm others down, they can only calm
themselves down.
One of our speakers refered to this as "flooding"; that while it only takes a person about 15 seconds to get upset, it usually takes them at least 15 minutes to calm down. During that time they are not listening to communications. It is best to give them a quiet place on their own to just relax and unwind.
2 comments:
I too have thought about this idea off and on during the past week. I know I can be very unreasonable when upset and yet I often try to reason with children. How can I expect them to do things that I can't do? I think this also goes back to the idea presented in another book-that we need understanding rather than patience. If I understand that a child cannot be reasonable when upset, then I will not become upset and run out of patience.
This may pertain to stress. We all have stress in our lives. It is taken from the University of Phoenix, where I am going to get my Masters in ECE. It can pertain to everyone, not just those going to school.
Stressed Is Desserts Spelled Backwards:
Coping in the Real World of Multiple Time/Role Demands
By Alice M. Jacobs, Ed.D, MBA
We all have multiple roles: parent, employee, manager, volunteer, church member, neighbor, caretaker of our parents, coach, etc. For many of us, our lives are already a circus in which we play the role of “the juggler.” And now, we add one more role to that perhaps already filled “rainbow of balls” we attempt to keep up in the air over our heads . . . that of student.
Kids get sick, our car breaks down, cousins arrive from out of town, an unplanned business trip occurs, our spouse needs us, the kid has a homework assignment due at the end of the week, the family pet dies, the roof leaks, our mother-in-law ends up in the hospital, a co-worker gets in a car accident, the lawn needs mowing, laundry is piling up, there’s only a bottle of ketchup in the refrigerator, and now we have homework due every week and a textbook to read. On and on it goes . . . life happens. How do we juggle it all?
Sometimes we don’t. We lose sleep, yell at our loved ones, drive recklessly, binge on junk food, or just skip meals altogether, and use a million and one other coping strategies. And now, on top of everything, there’s school to be dealt with . . . more pressures, time deadlines, and things to add to the proverbial never-finished “to do” list.
Stress is a topic that receives a lot of coverage. All you have to do is take a stroll down the aisle of any bookstore and you are bombarded with an array of books written about stress. Many are even packaged along with tapes or CDs containing music that no one can possibly hum. The bottom line to handling stress is to keep in mind that there is no one single technique that works for every individual in every situation. This is all complicated by the fact that we need stress to survive, as without it, we would die. Stress is further classified as “eustress” (positive) and distress (negative). The tricky part is that what is considered positive stress by one individual, e.g., getting married or receiving an award, may not be considered positive by another individual. Thus, the whole concept of stress, what it is, and what we do about it, is individualized to each and every person in each and every situation. We may, in fact, perceive what overwhelms our spouse or friend as exciting or adventurous.
The key to surviving stress, whatever it may be for you, is to learn to juggle constantly changing priorities without having a nervous breakdown. Sometimes, you need to just STOP. Yes, we’ve all heard that physics rule, “a thing in motion stays in motion,” or at least something close to that rule. However, that was before we knew on the real world physical level that stress could cause elevated cholesterol levels. Over time, elevated cholesterol levels can lead to heart disease. We also now know that prolonged stress lowers immune function, which may explain why we experience more colds, flu, and allergies when we are experiencing stress. Again, it is highly individualistic, but research has demonstrated elevated cortisol levels (stress chemicals) when people are placed in circumstances or exposed to situations that elicit stressful feelings. The fact is, we need to be realistic and let some things slide once in a while and other things slide at other times. In 20 years, when we look back at our “graduate school experience,” what will really matter? Sometimes we can’t do everything, and this is difficult for some of us to accept.
Being a graduate student will demand a commitment, but out of those stress-filled times comes tremendous personal growth, the desserts of the stressful experience. From your University of Phoenix experience, you will grow in ways never imagined, predicted, speculated, or bargained for. However, along the way, the road may be bumpy, or you may take a wrong turn or detour. Do not despair, but view your time at graduate school as a journey. Yes, you do have a destination (feel free to visualize yourself walking across the stage in full academic garb, complete with graduate hood, to collect the diploma), but there’s a whole lot of stuff in between. You may: (1) “run out of gas,” (2) read the map wrong, (3) get on the wrong freeway, (4) exceed the speed limit, (5) walk instead of ride the high speed train, but approach graduate school as a commitment and be determined to remain for the long haul.
On the bad days, remember you won’t have to go it alone. You will always have a Learning Team to help you as well as the resources that follow at the end of this thought piece. So, as you transition into this demanding yet exciting phase of your life, strive to trust the process, and know it won’t last forever. Utilize the tools and resources available to you as you navigate the choppy waters. Remember, “You can’t direct the wind, but you can adjust the sails.”
The Top 10 List for Surviving Graduate School as a Working Student
1. Keep an open mind.
2. Laugh: Foster and maintain your sense of humor.
3. When you are feeling like you’re going to “lose it” STOP and do something else. Refocus; center yourself through meditation, prayer, or a walk. Give yourself a “time out.”
4. Eat a well-balanced diet to help nurture your physical body.
5. Call upon friends and loved ones for support.
6. Exercise your body on a regular basis. (This doesn’t necessarily mean a 10-mile jog every day, perhaps just a brisk 20-minute walk.)
7. Prioritize and practice time management.
8. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Try “new and different” every once in a while. Suspend judgments and preconceived notions.
9. Practice responding to the challenges of being a graduate student as opportunities for growth in strength, maturity, and character.
10. Ask for help and utilize resources when needed. This is not a sign of weakness, but rather of self-awareness.
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